It's That Time of Year Again

Dear Homeless People of Philadelphia,

No. I don't have any change. Really. Do you have an ATM under that urine stained blanket? No? Well then looks like you are shit out of luck.

Is it me or have the number of homeless people in Center City sky rocketed since it got cold? I'm assuming that the number didn't necessarily rise, but rather they left their hangout at the park in front of the library on the Parkway. The city has been pushing the development of the Parkway for a while. It's a beautiful area that was designed as the Philadelphia version of the Champs Elysees, but one that doesn't seem to live up to its full potential. One of the reasons cited by city planners is the fact that it isn't very friendly to pedestrians who have to dodge crazy traffic patterns to walk from the Museum of Natural Sciences to the Art Museum. Know what else isn't friendly to pedestrians? Having to cut through a hobo camp. Because put a bunch of benches in a grove of trees near a giant fountain and *poof*. Hobo camp.

So now that the weather has chilled considerably, the homeless people that left the sidewalks for cooler ground have now returned to the warmth of the street grates and the protection offered by the city's nooks and crannies. Here is a run down on the usual players that I encounter during a typical week.


#1. Tall Lanky Guy on Crutches

You're good. You're really good. You are well dressed, so it's hard to tell if you are grifting me or really need my help. The first time you stopped me, we were outside Liberty Place and you asked me if I had any money because you needed to buy a soda because you were diabetic and your blood sugar was low and you had to raise it. I had reservations about your story, but you were so earnest that I figured it would be better to just give you the dollar than risk you slipping into a diabetic coma because I was a frigid bitch and wouldn't throw you a buck. Unfortunately (at the time) I had no cash on me.

A couple of weeks later, you were still gimping along on your crutches. This time you advised me that you were late for your doctor's appointment but that you had somehow dropped your SEPTA pass and needed change or a token.

The third time I saw you, you needed money to buy your medicine at Rite Aid. I must be out of the loop, because I hadn't realized that Rite Aid carries crack now.


#2. Dirty Guy that Sits On a Wawa Milk Crate Outside McDonald's

You've got some good things going for you and some room for improvement.

• You look like you need the money. (Cf. #4). However, you are so dirty that I wouldn't get close enough to drop spare change in your cup. Rule of thumb, I shouldn't smell you before I see you.
  
• You've got a good location. You are perched outside of the McDonald's on Walnut. This is a good spot because it catches a lot of people going into the McDonald's who wouldn't mind just buying you a burger rather than giving you money. And as you've shared with me on many occasions, you love Big Macs. On the other hand, people who go to McDonald's because of its diverse dollar menu offerings probably don't have too much change to spare.
  
• Sometimes you forget to put your penis back in your pants. And I throw up in my mouth a little bit and that makes me not want to give you money or buy you a Big Mac. [Editor's Note: I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt on this one and calling it "forgetfulness".
  

#3. One Legged Guy that Used to Beg Across from City Hall but Just Moved to Walnut

You've got one leg (technically one and a half) and have demonstrated that you are far more nimble and graceful than I will ever be. However, I'm on to you. I've learned a couple of things through my large network of people I know that know stuff.

• You are from South Philly and take the Broad Street Line to "work" everyday.
• You aren't really homeless. You live with your mom.
• You have a prosthetic leg. You take it off when you are at "work."

Also, while I appreciate the persistence, "no means no." For instance, take the young couple who were waiting for the light to change at the corner of 17th and Walnut. You asked if they had any change. They politely responded that they did not. You replied. "Awww. Come on...." They ignored you. You started hitting on the girl. "You're really good looking. You know that? You're hot." Is that your standard Plan B? If so, I'm going to start adjusting my route so that I can get a daily cat call from the one-legged homeless guy. Someone thinks I'm sexy!

#4. Lady in a Blazer with a Purse on 16th and Walnut

Rule #1 of begging for money: Never be dressed nicer than the people from whom you are trying to get money. Really though, you had a blazer on. And it looked freshly pressed. I don't even own a blazer. Or an iron. Also, you probably shouldn't be reading the paper....unless its the Daily News. Definitely not the Inquirer or the Times. Because when I see a lady dressed in a blazer, with a matching purse, reading a story on Chavez' recent political defeat and she asks me for a dollar, I start trying to remember what bet I lost. Because that would be the only reason I would give you a dollar. Like we made a bet to see if we could turn a young street thug into a Wall Street power player. But then I think about it for a minute and realize that we did not make a bet regarding Nature vs. Nurture. And then I return my wallet into my back pocket and wag my finger at you and say, "Oooooh. You almost got me! Almost!" And then I shake my head in anger and walk away.